Why You’re Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People (And How to Stop!)
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You meet someone new. They seem cool. You’re into it… but then BAM—suddenly, they pull away. And what happens? You become obsessed. You weren’t even that into them before, but now they’re all you can think about. Sound familiar?
Why do we do this? Why do we chase the people who don’t seem all that interested while ignoring the ones who actually show up for us? Let’s talk about what’s really going on, and more importantly, how to break the cycle so you can stop wasting time on emotional Houdinis and start building real, secure connections.
Why Do We Crave Emotional Unavailability?
This isn’t just bad luck or poor dating choices—this is science, baby. Your brain is wired to want what feels just out of reach. The moment someone becomes unavailable, your nervous system kicks into high alert because it senses a threat. It’s like, “Wait… why aren’t they paying attention to me anymore? I need their validation now!”
This is especially true if you grew up with inconsistent love and attention. If you had to earn love as a kid (maybe your caregivers were hot and cold, sometimes present, sometimes not), your brain learned to equate love with chasing. Now, as an adult, that on-again-off-again attention feels familiar—which means it feels safe, even when it’s actually the opposite.
How This Plays Out in Your Relationships
Ever notice that the second someone likes you, you start questioning everything? Suddenly, they seem less attractive, less exciting. But the one who ghosts you for three days? That’s the one your brain decides is your soulmate.
Or maybe you’re in a relationship where things feel good for a while, but then the moment your partner gets close, you pull away—or they do. It’s the pendulum swing of disorganized attachment, where you’re constantly cycling between craving closeness and running from it.
And let’s be real… it’s exhausting.
How to Break the Cycle (Because You Deserve Better!)
So what do we do about it? How do we actually stop chasing the unavailable and start feeling safe with people who want us? Here’s where we start:
✅ Step 1: Recognize the Pattern
Start paying attention to who you’re drawn to. Do you consistently go for the people who are hard to get? Do you get bored when someone is emotionally available? Just noticing this can be a huge first step.
✅ Step 2: Rewire Your Beliefs About Love
If you believe that love has to be earned or that it’s supposed to feel like a constant chase, it’s time to rewrite that script. Healthy love isn’t about proving your worth—it’s about feeling safe, seen, and valued for exactly who you are.
✅ Step 3: Focus on Secure Relationships
This one’s tricky because secure love can feel boring at first if you’re used to chaos. But I promise—it’s not boring. It’s peaceful. It’s reliable. It’s where the real magic happens.
✅ Step 4: Work on Your Attachment Style
If you’re stuck in the anxious-avoidant dance, the best thing you can do is start building secure attachment skills. That means learning how to regulate your emotions, communicate your needs, and stop relying on someone else’s attention for validation.
What Happens When You Start Practicing This?
At first? It might feel weird. You might catch yourself still wanting the unavailable person. That’s okay. You’re literally rewiring your brain—that takes time.
But then, something shifts. You stop settling for crumbs. You stop mistaking inconsistency for passion. You start feeling at peace instead of on edge. And when you meet someone who actually wants you, you won’t run away—you’ll lean in.
That’s when you know you’re healing.
Final Thoughts: You’re Worth More Than the Chase
If you’ve spent years chasing emotionally unavailable people, don’t beat yourself up. This isn’t about “doing dating wrong.” This is about breaking patterns that were wired into you a long time ago.
And the best news? You don’t have to do it alone. If you’re ready to dive deeper and start healing your attachment patterns, now’s the time. Because love isn’t meant to feel like a constant chase. It’s meant to feel safe. Secure. Effortless.
Are you ready for that?
