Handling Hurt Feelings in Marriage
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, only to realize later that it was all a big misunderstanding? Miscommunications and hurt feelings are common in relationships, but they can be deeply frustrating and painful. In a recent coaching call with Christine, we tackled these very issues and discovered some powerful strategies for resolving conflicts and fostering deeper connections.
In this blog post, I’ll share the key insights and takeaways from our conversation to help you navigate similar challenges in your own relationship.
1. Validate Emotions First
When your partner is upset, the first step is always to validate their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, acknowledging their emotions helps to create a safe space for open communication. For example, if your husband is upset because you missed an event, you could say, “I can see why you’re feeling hurt. It makes sense that you’d want me to be there.”
2. Understand the Difference Between Feelings and Perceptions
It’s crucial to distinguish between feelings and perceptions in your conversations. Feelings are emotions like hurt, anger, or sadness, while perceptions are the stories we tell ourselves about why we feel that way. For instance, saying “I feel hurt because I thought you didn’t want me there” is a feeling statement, whereas “You didn’t want me there” is a perception. Communicating your feelings clearly can prevent misunderstandings and foster deeper connections.
3. Communicate with Positive Intentions
Approach your partner with the intention of understanding their pain behind the anger. Instead of responding defensively, try to empathize with their emotions. For instance, Christine realized that her husband's anger was rooted in his desire to share his interests with her. By acknowledging this, she could approach the conversation with empathy and understanding.
4. Allow Space for Emotions
It’s important to let your partner express their emotions, even if they come out as anger or frustration. Allowing this emotional release can lead to a more honest and productive conversation later. For example, if your husband is angry, let him express that anger and then revisit the conversation when you’re both calmer.
5. Work on Self-Awareness
During conflicts, check in with your own body and emotions. Understanding and expressing your feelings calmly can help de-escalate situations and promote healthier communication patterns. Christine learned to recognize where she felt tension in her body and used that awareness to calm herself before responding to her husband.
Actionable Steps:
Practice Validation: The next time your partner is upset, focus on validating their feelings without jumping to defend yourself.
Identify Feelings and Perceptions: Take a moment to differentiate between what you feel and what you think during a conflict. Communicate your feelings clearly.
Empathize with Intent: Approach conversations with the goal of understanding your partner’s pain and emotions, rather than defending your position.
Give Space: Allow your partner to express their emotions fully. Revisit the conversation when you’re both in a calmer state.
Self-Check: Regularly check in with your own body and emotions during conflicts to stay grounded and calm.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. By learning to validate emotions, understand the difference between feelings and perceptions, communicate with positive intentions, allow space for emotions, and work on self-awareness, you can transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.
If you found these tips helpful and want to dive deeper into improving your relationship communication, consider joining one of my coaching calls or signing up for one-on-one sessions through my Patreon. Visit patreon.com/speakhonest for more information.
