Are You Confusing Chemistry with Chaos?
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You know that fluttery feeling in your stomach when you meet someone new and everything feels electric? You can’t stop thinking about him. You analyze every text. You tell yourself it’s a spark. But a few weeks later, you’re feeling anxious, unsettled, and honestly kind of drained. Sound familiar?
That feeling might not be chemistry. It might be chaos.
So many women, especially those of us with anxious or disorganized attachment styles, confuse emotional intensity with romantic connection. We’ve been taught that “butterflies” are a sign of love, when in reality, they’re often a sign that our nervous system is on high alert. And when we’re used to inconsistency or emotional neglect, that activated feeling can feel normal, even exciting. But it’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Why Intensity Isn’t Intimacy
In my recent conversation with relationship expert Bob Grant, we explored why so many women end up chasing emotionally unavailable men and calling it chemistry. Bob pointed out something powerful: real intimacy doesn’t come from emotional highs and lows. It comes from safety, honesty, and emotional openness. If you’ve ever felt bored with a man who actually treats you well, you’re not alone. Safety can feel unfamiliar at first. It can feel flat, even disappointing, if you’re used to chasing love or earning attention. But that feeling doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means something is healing.
Bob also talked about how women often suppress their emotions to appear strong or easygoing. The problem? When we hide our true feelings, we give the impression that everything’s fine—when it’s not. And then we end up exploding over something small, like a coffee mug left on the counter, because we’ve been silently building resentment. When we don’t express what’s going on internally, it doesn’t just disappear. It gets stuffed down and eventually leaks out in ways that damage the relationship.
What It Looks Like to Be Real
The solution isn’t to be less emotional. It’s to be more honest. That might mean showing your anger without blowing up, crying without apologizing, or saying “I’m feeling disconnected” before it turns into an argument about the dishes. Bob shared that healthy men want to see your full range of emotions. Not because they’re perfect or always know how to respond, but because they can only build intimacy with someone who’s being real. You don’t have to be a robot to be loved. You just have to show up as yourself.
And yes, that includes the messy, feisty, overwhelmed parts too.
How to Know What You Actually Want
Another big takeaway from our conversation was the importance of defining your non-negotiables. These are the deep, foundational needs that matter most to you in a relationship. For some women, it’s emotional safety. For others, it’s strong communication, physical affection, or shared values. If you don’t know what your non-negotiables are yet, start paying attention to how you feel in your relationships. When do you feel calm, safe, and fully yourself? When do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells or shrinking to keep the peace? That emotional data is valuable. It’s not about having a perfect checklist. It’s about getting clear on what really matters to you—so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start building relationships that feel good from the inside out.
Why This Matters
When you start showing up as your full self, everything changes. You stop chasing people who don’t see you. You stop shrinking to keep someone around. You stop calling emotional chaos a “spark” and start recognizing it as a red flag. Real connection doesn’t make you feel crazy. It makes you feel calm. And when you find it, it might feel strange at first. You might even want to run. But stick with it. Let yourself adjust to the peace. Let yourself trust the quiet. You don’t have to earn love by being less emotional, less vocal, or less you.
The real spark is being seen for exactly who you are—and being loved because of it.
